This whole Rob Ford/Toronto mayoral race circus has evolved into such a grotesque mutation of Canadian politics that not even a Hollywood screenwriter could cope with the continual rising action of the conflict and absurdity.
The list of Mayoral candidates reads like a bad joke ripped from the pages of The Onion: a sweaty crack-smokin’ incumbent, the leader of the neo-Nazi Nationalist Party of Canada, a dominatrix, a gun-nut previously run out of office for stealing ammunition from the Toronto Police Service’s supply for personal use, someone named Al Gore (but not THE Al Gore), someone named Happy Happy, a pothead, two musicians, and an 18 year old high-school student.
Is this the new face of politics?
Or is this the same old face, just without the carefully sculpted mask?
Either way, this perverse pageant makes my nerve-endings vibrate and my ulcers hungry.
But, as guilty as it makes me feel to admit it; this sideshow also makes me eager to watch the forces of entropy take hold and turn it all into a big ‘ol hair pulling, shoe hitting, bitchslapping, spectacle.
… Tune in next time to see what happens when this gaggle of misfits confronts each other on the next “Jerry Springer Show”.
Perhaps Rob Ford should hire Jerry Springer as a personal consultant!
He’d be a powerful ally in the mayor’s campaign. A true political survivor, a shrewd and unapologetic opportunist who knows how to make the best out of a laxative situation.
Jerry could mentor Big Rob, teach him the ways of the weasel… Give the mayor some tips of the trade, techniques to avoid getting caught doing things that can harm a successful political career; and, how to bounce back from controversies that could chop the nuts off of a lesser man.
Things like writing a NSF personal check to pay for a prostitute… or posing for pictures while whacked on crack.
These are incidents which the true professionals in the field of Career Politics scoff at. For they know: the real players would never get caught doing this sort of petty shit.
Stephen Harper would never get busted felching cocaine out of a prostitute’s ass with a Big Gulp straw. John Baird wouldn’t allow news of a secret fetish for bathroom stall footsy’s in foreign embassy’s and house’s of parliament around the globe to see the light of day. These are ridiculous notions that no well-polished, political gladiator would find himself in a position to defend himself against.
Sweat soaked blue collar punks like Mayor Ford on the other hand…
And that’s where a wily spin doctor like Jerry Springer would be of significant assistance to the Rob Ford 2014 mayoral campaign. Jerry could advise Rob how to best utilize the strange, drug-fuelled madness that surrounds him and his campaign. An experienced P.R. alchemist like Springer could find the right combination of loveable stupidity, humbleness, and magnetic perversity that makes for good, quality, political sadism.
And if the elections don’t pan out for Mayor Ford, well, Jerry Springer can always give Ford some helpful hints on how to break into the center ring of the North American media circus…